One of my main focuses for this year (as well as for the rest of my life) is to "be where my feet are". Yes, it is difficult to physically be somewhere where your feet are not, don't get smart with me.
My goal is to be present. My time belongs to the people in front of me, right now. I've been doing a lot of observing. I've been studying the relationships around me: romantic, friendships, "enemies", colleagues, marriages, etc. I've noticed two things that are most often lacking: accountability and, my goal for this school year, presence.
ACCOUNTABILITY:
I talked about this issue with my dear friend Andrew Brown the other day. He told me about how we live in an individualistic society and the concept of authentic accountability is taboo because it is "judgmental", "intolerant", or "misunderstood". Everything is about the self these days, even in Christianity. We mask our selfishness with "churchy" things or community service, but we can't do any of those things without putting it on Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter as evidence that we were there, to draw the attention back to ourselves. Even in our quiet times, that are intended to be private and intimate, we post pictures, text our friends, or post a Bible verse somewhere where everyone can see and "like" it. Sure, there is an element of reaching out and encouraging others, but are we brave enough to strip it down and be 100% transparent and honest with ourselves about our real motives? And if anyone were to call us out, would we not call it "persecution" or "judgement"?
We Christians looooove to hear about God's love and grace and mercy, but we have a bit of a problem with, what's that word again? Oh yeah: conviction. I heard a pastor say a couple weeks ago, "I know this is convicting and I apologize for that..." WHY ARE YOU APOLOGIZING?! Conviction is the stirring in our hearts and spirits that keeps our faith and walk with Christ from growing stagnant. Conviction keeps us on our knees in a holy and humble reverence that cannot exist where pride resides. Not only are we dishonest with others, but we are even more dishonest with ourselves. We can't even be real with the familiar face in the mirror (to be as cliche as possible). When asked about our weaknesses, we genuinely believe that they are primarily "caring too much", "working too hard", or "spending too much time serving others". I'll speak for myself: I know that there are MANY times when I am too ashamed to look inwardly and acknowledge that I am one of the most self-centered people I've ever met. That I gossip way too much. That I straight up judge people based on how they look and decide within a matter of seconds whether or not they are worth my efforts of friendship. I'm rude, impatient, lazy, and anxious. I spend more time worrying than depending on God. These are just scratching the surface. My core is ugly. That's why I need a Savior. If I was perfect, then I'd be fine on my own. We are so dirty, inside and out. We were born dirty and every day of our lives we continue to make ourselves dirtier and uglier. We've been made totally clean and pure (see Isaiah 53), but we read and listen to the amazing story of Christ's redemption of our souls--that would otherwise perish--without any regard for our unworthiness. We see ourselves as worthy, or dare I say better, because we're "Christians". We don't drink, we don't have sex, we don't smoke, we don't do drugs. I mean, look at me compared to this guy who's swearing like a sailor and getting lit eight days a week. Look at me compared to this girl who's practically a prostitute. Hey, here's a thought, how about "look at me contrasted with Jesus Christ". Listen, I do it too. More often than not, I'm saying it in the secrecy of my mind rather than out loud, but my thoughts determine my actions. Accountability is one sinner reaching out to a fellow sinner in love and understanding to give a way to live more like Jesus did. That's what we're striving for, isn't it? Since we're so focused on convincing ourselves that we're far more Christian or better than people, we can't hear confrontation...and that's in the rare event that confrontation actually takes place. In most cases, it never happens because we're too scared of the discomfort. We're too scared that someone would get mad. We're afraid of hurting someone's feelings or disrupting a way of life because of how it would negatively affect us personally. Plus, if we hold someone accountable, that gives him the right to hold us accountable as well, and as I said, we don't want any of that. It's amazing to me how I can shift the blame from myself to the other person in less time than it takes for the person to say what he's trying to say. If you love someone then you "want God's best for him, expect nothing in return, and know it will probably cost you something" (David Kowalke). In Christian relationships, accountability is crucial. When the spotlight is on me because of something I did wrong, it feels like you're the sadistic kid with the salt and I'm the slug. But within the walls of a Christ-centered friendship and a Christ-driven focus, to love someone means to hold him accountable because you want the very best for him.
BE WHERE YOUR FEET ARE
By a show of hands, how many of you have friends that text the entire time you're together? How many of you are that friend? How many of you, at any given time, could tell me where your boyfriend is, what he's eating, who he's with, what he's thinking about? If my feet are next to you, then that is where I strive to be. I cannot tell you the number of times that I have been talking about something and watch as my friends text while I'm in the middle of saying something that is important to me. Separately, how many times is it acceptable to talk about a boyfriend or girlfriend within a time frame of, let's say....five minutes? Is two or three okay? What about one story and one quote?
This. Has. Got. To. Stop. For people in relationships who can't go a day without speaking or seeing one another, you have to deal with dependency and self-worth (not to mention denial) issues down the road and that is an entirely separate topic and frankly none of my business. But for the sake of this topic, you may think that you're doing a good job dividing your time by spending a certain amount with friends, a certain amount with family, and a certain amount with your boo thing, but many of you are not actually where your feet are. While you may think that you're getting the best of both worlds, you're shafting the person you're with because you care more about what is on your sweetie's sandwich or what homework assignment he's doing than the friend who is sitting right in front of you talking. You're sending the message (no pun intended) that your friend is not worth all of your attention. Maybe it's because I'm a bit of an extremist, but honestly, if I have the common courtesy to give you my attention, and especially if I really care about our friendship and our time together, and you aren't satisfied by that and need to be entertained elsewhere at the same time, then I don't want any of your time.
Being where your feet are is not limited to simply not texting when with others. I'm sorry to target those in relationships because it most definitely is not everyone but it is the most obvious example. Let's say you put the phone down...awesome. Except now, all I hear about is Sam. What Sam had for breakfast, what you and Sam did that is similar to what we're doing, what Sam's family is doing today, what grade Sam got on his midterm, the jobs Sammie is applying for, how Sam fell off his bike and where it hurts, when Sam I Am is going home for break, Sam's favorite movie, what Same ALWAYS orders at Wendy's. I'm sorry, but I really couldn't care less about the color of the shirt your wittle Sammy wammy is wearing today and I doubt many people would disagree with me (with the exception of maybe his mother). Plus, when you find it necessary to share every detail of his life with me, the things about your relationship that are relevant, necessary, and things your friends would be excited about for you become irritating and just a little bit closer to reaching the straw to break the camel's back. Oh, you have to check with your boyfriend before knowing for sure what you're doing this weekend? Yeah I kind of figured.
It's really hard to be where your feet are all the time. And if you know someone who can execute the task flawlessly, please get me their number so I can get step-by-step instructions. But having friends who completely fail to be present with me has taught me to be more private and keep most things to myself, because the sad fact of the matter is that if people can't give me their attention, it would be foolish to believe that they would give me any genuine sympathy, support, encouragement, or even just the gift of listening. And I would be lying if I said it was something I would gladly do for others without having it in return. Unfortunately I'm not Jesus, who was always present (I mean, He's omnipresent always, but I'm talking about when he was in the flesh). In the gospels, read about Jesus and His miracles; they were almost exclusively interruptions to a bigger thing or place that He was trying to get to. But He gave every interruption and every person His full attention.
Post Script: I'm talking about both issues in extremes. And since most of my friends are in romantic relationships, this does not apply to all of them. But it does tend to be a majority. And I was (and still am) guilty of dividing my attention when I'm with people, but it wasn't until this summer when I started observing everyone that I realized how big of an issue it is. I'm sorry that this is a rant and I know it goes against what everyone thinks is what "has to happen", but just do me a favor and consider it. If you took the time to read this, all I ask is that you think about it for a second and what both genuine accountability and attentive presence would do for you and your relationships. And I ask that if you are a friend of mine, that you hold me accountable to every word that I say.
No comments:
Post a Comment