Hey "Nice Guys"

Written in love for the boys/men "finishing last", living in the "friend-zone", getting told "I love you" exclusively as a friend, getting walked all over, et cetera...here is your explanation from the female psyche 

1. "Girls always say that they want a nice guy, but then they go for the jerk"
• We like the idea of a bad boy (Danny from "Grease", Edward Cullin from "Twilight", Patrick from "10 Things I Hate about You", Landon from "A Walk to Remember", Will from "Good Will Hunting", etc.) because they're strong (or, at least, they appear to be). We love to entertain the thought that if we were the object of Batman's affections, he would do some serious Batman damage to the person who threatened to harm us. Jerks tend to possess the characteristics essential to survival: strength, perseverance, and protective instincts with a "take no prisoners" attitude.  We yearn to be protected and kept safe. We want to be cherished, to feel like something pricelessly precious. Would you lay a hand on Wolverine's woman? I highly doubt it.
• Jerks appear to be super confident (even though often the opposite is true). Confidence is attractive in both men and women, it's what lures the "mates" in. Jerks are strong-willed. Sometimes they're quietly confident without needing to say much while other times they can't seem to keep their mouths shut. They tend to know how to lead a group...in fact, it usually comes naturally and without effort. So when the guy everyone knows chooses to focus his attention on us, we're borderline starstruck.
• As women, we are typically the nurturers. In most cases, we are viewed as the more sensitive, emotional, and caring of the two genders. For reasons of which I myself am unsure, we love to fix. Alongside being protected and cherished, we relish the opportunity to take a bad boy as our next project. Look at mainstream music. Taylor Swift talks about it in a ton of her songs (Dear John, Red, I Knew You Were Trouble, Haunted, etc.), Carrie Underwood warns girls about these bad boys in Cowboy Casanova and Good Girl, Lady Gaga wants a bad boy in Edge of Glory and sings about the devastation left behind by them in Speechless, Judas, and Monster. The list goes on and you don't need to look very far. Though it doesn't make much sense, we crave it; and as a result, we often knowingly enter into dangerous territory for the thrill of it.
• As much as loving "the chase" is typically attributed to men, it is true for women as well. While most of us eventually want marriage, family life, and so on, if there's no chase then it gets boring...fast. Even within the boundaries of an exclusive relationship with a bad boy the girl still has to chase him. It's the perfect balance of knowing we're desired (because he chose us) with never fully understanding his mystic that originally and continually draws us in. As much as we'll deny it, we like the game. We like the thrill of not knowing for sure and we like investigating to figure it out. Bad boys are dark and mysterious. We love the process of getting to who you really are because when we get there, it will be like "our little secret"—something special that only we have.
2. The Friend Zone
• Every guy knows and fears it. But guys, some of you cannonball right into the deepest part of it. I was talking to my high school Spanish teacher the other day and he said (on the friend zone) "they chop their own feet off! How are you supposed to run a race with no feet?!" Bingo. Couldn't have said it better myself. You may think that you're establishing trust that is necessary for relationships by being there for a girl when she's having boy problems, but you're just taking a chainsaw to your ankles. I know what you're thinking: "this is so great, she's so hot and awesome. We hang out all the time and we can talk about anything and I think she really trusts me!" Congrats, sir, you have been sentenced to the friend zone. Most likely for a very long time, if not forever.
• Subjects girls talk about with friend-zoned victims: dating other guys, shaving their legs, a certain monthly visitor, clothes (and clothes advice), their wedding pinterest boards, shopping, or any chick movie, book, or TV show (Nicholas Sparks, How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days, Twilight, Say Yes to the Dress, ANTM, etc.). We discuss things we have in common with people...that's how friendships are formed. So if sweet Sarah is talking about how much she hates shaving her legs and asks which jeans look better with the new sweater she just got for half off, you can deny it all you want, but you've just become the "gay best friend". 
• If I had to guess, I'd say that most guys finding themselves in the friend zone are there because they are giving way too much of their attention to the girl that they so desire. Like I said before, girls love the chase. Getting friend-zoned requires you to spend a lot of time with the friend-zoner. If you make it clear that you're super available and clingy, she'll either toss you in the friend zone or toss you out entirely because it's just too much.
3. "Nice guys finish last"
• This is the male equivalent to the female "it's just that guys are intimidated by me". Um, no, they aren't intimidated by you--you smell like old cheese and fart whenever you laugh. "Nice guys finish last"...really? It's a cop-out. Blame the entire female population for the rejection that you've received (that was most likely completely fair) because you aren't man enough to accept it. 
• I would love if a "nice guy" could explain what "nice" entails. I say people are "nice" when I don't like them and I don't want to be rude. If "nice" is your identifier, then if there is ever a point when you are in the lead, I will find you and trip you because you deserve to finish dead last. No one remembers the "nice" people. You agree with everything, allow yourself to be walked all over, never stand up for yourself or state your opinion, and then complain about how you finish last. You know why "compassionate" guys don't finish last? "Funny"? "Respectful?" "Honest"? Probably because they're running. You "nice" guys quit before the gun is even fired.
• Which brings up the complaining issue. You wave at a girl who doesn't see you and therefore doesn't wave back and you're off sulking because "nice guys finish last". That's obviously a bit of a hyperbole, but just because you and Suzy weren't compatible and she called it off before you knew what was wrong doesn't mean you're "finishing last". Why are women determining the rate at which you're running, anyway? I'm sorry that I don't want to text you every second of the day about what I'm doing and feeling, but you did this to yourself. Don't even act like I'm the bad guy because I'm busy and consider texting to be the lowest possible form of communication. Or maybe when we talk, we're never actually talking about anything and it's awkward. You aren't losing the race because the two things you can't live without are Nickelback's Greatest Hits and George Lopez Complete Stand-up Comedy Collection on DVD. We don't have anything in common. That's all it is. Funny thing about common interests...you gotta have em. 

While women are complicated on levels that even I (as a woman) cannot understand, this is not too complex. But, then again, it could be a mystery of the female mind that I can access solely because of my gender. Essentially what I'm saying is if you're doing what you're most passionate about, things will fall into place and you won't have to force a relationship or feelings out of a girl you're interested in. I'm not excusing the things that we do, either. I'm just explaining why it happens so guys can see it practically as opposed to this great, ominous wonder that no one will ever have the ability to comprehend. Obviously, hearing about how nice guys get the short end of the stick is one of my pet peeves, so I wanted to break it down and possibly provide some clarity. 

Thanks for dropping in!

What Genuine Relationships Cannot Survive Without

One of my main focuses for this year (as well as for the rest of my life) is to "be where my feet are". Yes, it is difficult to physically be somewhere where your feet are not, don't get smart with me.
My goal is to be present. My time belongs to the people in front of me, right now. I've been doing a lot of observing. I've been studying the relationships around me: romantic, friendships, "enemies", colleagues, marriages, etc. I've noticed two things that are most often lacking: accountability and, my goal for this school year, presence.

ACCOUNTABILITY:
I talked about this issue with my dear friend Andrew Brown the other day. He told me about how we live in an individualistic society and the concept of authentic accountability is taboo because it is "judgmental", "intolerant", or "misunderstood". Everything is about the self these days, even in Christianity. We mask our selfishness with "churchy" things or community service, but we can't do any of those things without putting it on Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter as evidence that we were there, to draw the attention back to ourselves. Even in our quiet times, that are intended to be private and intimate, we post pictures, text our friends, or post a Bible verse somewhere where everyone can see and "like" it. Sure, there is an element of reaching out and encouraging others, but are we brave enough to strip it down and be 100% transparent and honest with ourselves about our real motives? And if anyone were to call us out, would we not call it "persecution" or "judgement"?

We Christians looooove to hear about God's love and grace and mercy, but we have a bit of a problem with, what's that word again? Oh yeah: conviction. I heard a pastor say a couple weeks ago, "I know this is convicting and I apologize for that..." WHY ARE YOU APOLOGIZING?! Conviction is the stirring in our hearts and spirits that keeps our faith and walk with Christ from growing stagnant. Conviction keeps us on our knees in a holy and humble reverence that cannot exist where pride resides. Not only are we dishonest with others, but we are even more dishonest with ourselves. We can't even be real with the familiar face in the mirror (to be as cliche as possible). When asked about our weaknesses, we genuinely believe that they are primarily "caring too much", "working too hard", or "spending too much time serving others". I'll speak for myself: I know that there are MANY times when I am too ashamed to look inwardly and acknowledge that I am one of the most self-centered people I've ever met. That I gossip way too much. That I straight up judge people based on how they look and decide within a matter of seconds whether or not they are worth my efforts of friendship. I'm rude, impatient, lazy, and anxious. I spend more time worrying than depending on God. These are just scratching the surface. My core is ugly. That's why I need a Savior. If I was perfect, then I'd be fine on my own. We are so dirty, inside and out. We were born dirty and every day of our lives we continue to make ourselves dirtier and uglier. We've been made totally clean and pure (see Isaiah 53), but we read and listen to the amazing story of Christ's redemption of our souls--that would otherwise perish--without any regard for our unworthiness. We see ourselves as worthy, or dare I say better, because we're "Christians". We don't drink, we don't have sex, we don't smoke, we don't do drugs. I mean, look at me compared to this guy who's swearing like a sailor and getting lit eight days a week. Look at me compared to this girl who's practically a prostitute. Hey, here's a thought, how about "look at me contrasted with Jesus Christ". Listen, I do it too. More often than not, I'm saying it in the secrecy of my mind rather than out loud, but my thoughts determine my actions. Accountability is one sinner reaching out to a fellow sinner in love and understanding to give a way to live more like Jesus did. That's what we're striving for, isn't it? Since we're so focused on convincing ourselves that we're far more Christian or better than people, we can't hear confrontation...and that's in the rare event that confrontation actually takes place. In most cases, it never happens because we're too scared of the discomfort. We're too scared that someone would get mad. We're afraid of hurting someone's feelings or disrupting a way of life because of how it would negatively affect us personally. Plus, if we hold someone accountable, that gives him the right to hold us accountable as well, and as I said, we don't want any of that. It's amazing to me how I can shift the blame from myself to the other person in less time than it takes for the person to say what he's trying to say. If you love someone then you "want God's best for him, expect nothing in return, and know it will probably cost you something" (David Kowalke). In Christian relationships, accountability is crucial. When the spotlight is on me because of something I did wrong, it feels like you're the sadistic kid with the salt and I'm the slug. But within the walls of a Christ-centered friendship and a Christ-driven focus, to love someone means to hold him accountable because you want the very best for him.

BE WHERE YOUR FEET ARE
By a show of hands, how many of you have friends that text the entire time you're together? How many of you are that friend? How many of you, at any given time, could tell me where your boyfriend is, what he's eating, who he's with, what he's thinking about? If my feet are next to you, then that is where I strive to be. I cannot tell you the number of times that I have been talking about something and watch as my friends text while I'm in the middle of saying something that is important to me. Separately, how many times is it acceptable to talk about a boyfriend or girlfriend within a time frame of, let's say....five minutes? Is two or three okay? What about one story and one quote?

This. Has. Got. To. Stop. For people in relationships who can't go a day without speaking or seeing one another, you have to deal with dependency and self-worth (not to mention denial) issues down the road and that is an entirely separate topic and frankly none of my business. But for the sake of this topic, you may think that you're doing a good job dividing your time by spending a certain amount with friends, a certain amount with family, and a certain amount with your boo thing, but many of you are not actually where your feet are. While you may think that you're getting the best of both worlds, you're shafting the person you're with because you care more about what is on your sweetie's sandwich or what homework assignment he's doing than the friend who is sitting right in front of you talking. You're sending the message (no pun intended) that your friend is not worth all of your attention. Maybe it's because I'm a bit of an extremist, but honestly, if I have the common courtesy to give you my attention, and especially if I really care about our friendship and our time together, and you aren't satisfied by that and need to be entertained elsewhere at the same time, then I don't want any of your time.

Being where your feet are is not limited to simply not texting when with others. I'm sorry to target those in relationships because it most definitely is not everyone but it is the most obvious example. Let's say you put the phone down...awesome. Except now, all I hear about is Sam. What Sam had for breakfast, what you and Sam did that is similar to what we're doing, what Sam's family is doing today, what grade Sam got on his midterm, the jobs Sammie is applying for, how Sam fell off his bike and where it hurts, when Sam I Am is going home for break, Sam's favorite movie, what Same ALWAYS orders at Wendy's. I'm sorry, but I really couldn't care less about the color of the shirt your wittle Sammy wammy is wearing today and I doubt many people would disagree with me (with the exception of maybe his mother). Plus, when you find it necessary to share every detail of his life with me, the things about your relationship that are relevant, necessary, and things your friends would be excited about for you become irritating and just a little bit closer to reaching the straw to break the camel's back. Oh, you have to check with your boyfriend before knowing for sure what you're doing this weekend? Yeah I kind of figured.

It's really hard to be where your feet are all the time. And if you know someone who can execute the task flawlessly, please get me their number so I can get step-by-step instructions. But having friends who completely fail to be present with me has taught me to be more private and keep most things to myself, because the sad fact of the matter is that if people can't give me their attention, it would be foolish to believe that they would give me any genuine sympathy, support, encouragement, or even just the gift of listening. And I would be lying if I said it was something I would gladly do for others without having it in return. Unfortunately I'm not Jesus, who was always present (I mean, He's omnipresent always, but I'm talking about when he was in the flesh). In the gospels, read about Jesus and His miracles; they were almost exclusively interruptions to a bigger thing or place that He was trying to get to. But He gave every interruption and every person His full attention.

Post Script: I'm talking about both issues in extremes. And since most of my friends are in romantic relationships, this does not apply to all of them. But it does tend to be a majority. And I was (and still am) guilty of dividing my attention when I'm with people, but it wasn't until this summer when I started observing everyone that I realized how big of an issue it is. I'm sorry that this is a rant and I know it goes against what everyone thinks is what "has to happen", but just do me a favor and consider it. If you took the time to read this, all I ask is that you think about it for a second and what both genuine accountability and attentive presence would do for you and your relationships. And I ask that if you are a friend of mine, that you hold me accountable to every word that I say.