Surrender

If you were to ask me when I was "saved", I would tell you that I felt God's presence for the first time when I was in seventh grade at a "spiritual emphasis" event that my school entertained every year. I went through the whole "pray this prayer" and the tears and the hugging and the "with every head bowed and with every eye closed" shebang (Christian school kids: you know exactly what I'm talking about). I'm not going to open up a debate about "once saved always saved" or entertain hypothetical scenarios about if I had died the next day where my soul would have spent its eternity or anything like that. I just know that that experience was the start of an inward transformation. It took three years, but I truly trusted God with my life and started following Jesus when I was in tenth grade. I can't pinpoint a specific date or sermon or praise and worship song, but I do know that that was the year when I surrendered, in full, to the King of kings and I haven't looked back. Maybe I'm not qualified to say anything about any of this because I've been active in my faith for a mere four or five years. And there is room for that I suppose, but to that I would say that based off of Biblical characters such as Paul, I don't believe that God uses duration of faith as a qualification for much of anything. He uses a surrendered and an eager spirit, which is my main point.

I went to Christian school in Michigan for preschool through half of second grade and then again in North Carolina for half of sixth grade through my senior year of high school. I remember when I was younger seeing posters on the walls with cute sayings about trusting God. Some had little animated characters on them, others had baby animals. The words were typically written with some bold and colorful font. I remember one acronym specifically: FROG--Fully Rely On God. Clever, right? It's an easy way to remember a simple command.

Okay, now pause. Let me elaborate on what I mean when I say "a simple command". Nothing is really stimulated intellectually when I say or when you read the acronym "fully rely on God". It's simple to understand. It's simple to claim "I have faith in God" and it's simple for the person listening to comprehend what you are saying. But allow me to be clear (and I can really only speak for myself though I believe I am not alone in this): there is very little that is simple or easy about getting to a place where I can truthfully say that I fully rely on God. I'd venture to say that there is nothing simple about that. It's painful, it can be ugly, and it means going against everything that our society would have us do.

Yesterday, I found myself seriously hesitating to give God control over every part of my life. And let's be honest: that was not the first time and I'm certain it will not be the last. At the beginning of this post when I said that in tenth grade I surrendered, in full, to Christ, that was the first time. As a Christian, that surrender is supposed to occur every day, every hour, every second. It is a relentless surrender. If I were to just scratch the surface of the question: "is a person once saved, always saved?" I would say that many people find themselves where I found myself in seventh grade at least once in their lives. I AM NOT QUALIFIED TO SAY FOR CERTAIN AND MY OPINION COULD CHANGE AT ANY TIME BECAUSE I AM NINETEEN YEARS OLD WITH A LOT TO LEARN AND I AM IN NO WAY MAKING ANY JUDGMENTS...but...I think many people feel the overwhelming presence of God, surrender to that presence in the heat of the moment with a lot of people around and emotions going haywire, and then leave it at that. Pardon my boldness, but I'm not sure I believe that that is true surrender. My decision in tenth grade was made consciously. It was a rational decision and I cannot pinpoint specifics about when I did it because it was a mental and a spiritual decision before it was an emotional one. But that decision to surrender should be a moment to moment ritual.

"And a scribe came up and said to [Jesus], 'Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go.' And Jesus said to him, 'Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head.' Another of the disciples said to him, 'Lord, let me first go and bury my father.' And Jesus said to him, 'Follow me, and leave the dead to bury their own dead.'" 

Matthew 8:19-22 ESV

Had these men made the decision then and there to follow Jesus, every day they would have to choose to continue following Jesus. What we Christians don't think about sometimes is how easy it is to just stop following Jesus. We can get a little sidetracked while we're walking, or get tired, or hungry, or just flat-out lazy. These men could easily turn around and have a comfortable place to sleep or spend time with a mourning family. They could trail far behind Jesus claiming to "follow" Him, but really hang back because they are still holding on to something outside of what Jesus wants and has for them. But, the further those men would follow Jesus away from those things, the more difficult it would be for them to go back to those comforts because they would be so close to Jesus and so far from their former lives. Neither one of the things the men are holding on to is inherently sinful, but a life with Jesus means living radically. It means surrendering constantly and immediately. It means releasing control and giving up the life I've planned for myself. It means having unswerving faith in God over every part of me. It means a new life and a new purpose so grand, the thought of the life I'd planned becomes repulsive and embarrassing. It means that choosing to live this life that was so graciously given to me is all or nothing with no turning back.

Hello sophomore year!

I'm just so filled with all kinds of joy and happiness right now, I'm having some difficulty collecting my thoughts. Let me try:

This year is unfolding perfectly. I just got back from Overflow and let me just say that Port City Community Church in Wilmington, North Carolina is the best thing that has happened to me since I've started my college journey. This Sunday, our pastor (Mike Ashcraft) started a series called "This is My Church" and those four words hit the nail right on the head. I love going to church. It's rarely a chore and it's almost always what I want and prefer to do. That's a gift if I've ever received one. And with having dreams of someday going into ministry, working at Port City seems a whole lot like a dream come true. But that's not my choice to make :)

My roommates are so, so wonderful. I truly love them to pieces. There is no way, however, that I can reasonably expect to leave this year without having at least a slight southern accent. Ya'll are souuuutherrrrrrn and I love it. Thank you for always including me and introducing me to new people. It's the greatest. I love living in an apartment and having my own car here is awesome, praise the Lord for that!

My parents are outstanding to say the absolute least. Mom always goes all out on decorating and my room is amazing. I'm obsessed with it. It is beautiful and perfect and it is all thanks to her. Saying goodbye to them breaks my heart but then I get to think about how blessed I am that I love them enough to experience pain in the goodbyes! If it was an easy "see ya later", then I think we would have an issue. But I love them so, so much and I know that they love me and that's a really great feeling. Thank you for everything mom and dad, you're always at the top of my list.

Classes and my new nannying job start tomorrow and I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. But I'm excited. I'm getting more into the major that I love (Communication Studies) and (as opposed to last year) I will have an income! Getting that job was so stress-free and easy, I'm a little worried it's too good to be true!

Real talk though: I'm nervous about making friends. How lame does that sound?? Embarrassing. I feel like I'm behind too since I'm a sophomore. I've signed up for a small group through PC3 and I plan to do SAO (the Christian sorority). I'm blessed with a few friends who love Jesus passionately, but I want and need a close circle of friends who are just completely captivated by Jesus so that we can have a God-centered friendship. I need accountability and encouragement to be the best that I can be. And I want to be able to give the same things I need! While I'm a little nervous about it, my time here these past couple days has really put me at ease because I know I serve a God who is sovereign over everything and I have nothing to fear. Hasta la vista anxiety, don't let the door hit you on your way out!

I'm striving to embody the Proverbs 31 woman more and more and my goal this year is to face every tomorrow with a smile and without fear. Praising God at this high point in my life and trusting His omniscient and compassionate guidance.

Some tips for those of you preparing to go off to college for the first time.

I don't know how valuable my opinion is, but I wanted to give incoming college freshmen a few tips based off of my experience that I think I would have liked to have known prior to starting my freshman year. Some may sound like a parent, but trust me: when you're in my position a year from now, you'll look back and say to yourself "ohhhh! THAT'S what she meant!". So, humbly, here we go!

• Go to church. It's one of the most important things I can tell you. Isn't it like 80-90% of church-going high-schoolers don't go to church in college? Whatever it may be, fight it. Hard. Even if you have to go by yourself. You'll want to sleep, eat, watch tv, whatever, but going to church provides stability, routine, and discipline all necessary to your relationship with Christ. Not to mention, Jesus tells us to do it. College kids are not the exception, contrary to common belief.
• Not everyone drinks. I know, "duh" right? Well, no. The good eggs are tough to find, ya'll. Let's just be honest. The drinking crowd is the easiest crowd to get in with because all you have to have in common is a love for getting ratchet...which you can easily develop if you didn't have it prior to college. If you find yourself looking around you and literally no one can have a good time sober, you're not looking hard enough. Don't sit in your dorm and mope, get out there. You have nothing to lose. Christian organizations, neighbors, Facebook creep, classes, church, etc. If you're going to party that's fine, just don't say it was because it was the only option.
• Food moderation. For those of you like me, you will have a tendency to essentially starve yourselves because you'll forget to eat. I know that sounds silly, but your parents are not stocking your fridge (well, some of your parents might be financially stocking it, but the responsibility still lies with you) and you have to stay on top of it. I had a hard time justifying spending my money on food that my mom would usually buy...I had to get over it and bite the bullet. Obviously the opposite is more true than my scenario: Freshman 15. UNCW overall is a really fit school, so things like eating healthy and going to the gym are highly encouraged and really popular (gotta keep up the beach bod), but even with that being the case--you have a lot of free time, more than you will know what to do with. Do not eat because you are bored. Fight it. Chew copious amounts of gum if you have to. Oh, and beer and most alcoholic beverages are loaded with calories, the beer belly is not a myth and ladies it is not cute.
• Do not overwhelm yourself, especially first semester. People push "GET INVOLVED GET INVOLVED GET INVOLVED!!" and yes, you absolutely should, but at your own pace. Everything worth being a part of happens outside of your comfort zone but you need to know yourself and to know your limits. This is a huge transition. Taking it slow can be very beneficial, too. 
• Every freshman is the new kid. Cliche, I know. But don't ever let yourself think that you're alone in this, because you've got hundreds, if not thousands of kids right there with you. Some show it differently but you're all in the same boat.
• You don't have to have every step of your life planned out. This was huge for me. It's totally okay to just chill. You have to take core classes anyways, so if you don't know your major yet, CALM DOWN. It's most likely going to change, anyway. Take a variety of classes within the core selection and see what you like. Literally everyone is going to ask you what your major is. That doesn't mean you need to know. Answer differently every time or tell them majors that don't exist, I don't know! Just don't stress. God's gonna get you there, don't you worry bout a thang.
• You don't have to be everyone's best friend. Surprise! We aren't in high school anymore! Always be kind and always be respectful, but there are no cliques for you to try to squeeze your way into and you don't have to go around trying to be the "most popular" unless you're running for class president. 
• Study. For hours upon days upon weeks. It will come more naturally than you think (this is for those of you who are like me and didn't have to put much time into high school work) but it will also blindside you when your medium effort lands you a D that usually would have no doubt gotten you an A. Cs get degrees, remember that.
• Authentic friendships take time. The friendships I made in middle and high school at NRCA were and are just amazing. I connect with those people on every level. So, I went to college thinking I would immediately find those same connections in people I had just met. Obviously, I was wrong. I may be speaking to a minority here because I think this is mostly common sense, but if you feel like you have the really deep friendships that I do, understand that those took years to get to the place where they are now. Just be prepared to start from scratch with people. Which means some awkward small talk sometimes a lot. You will build, though. You just have to give it time. It's amazing how connections deepen and strengthen even just from August to May. If you try to force it, you could ruin it and miss out on valuable and memorable steps along the way.
• You will start to lose contact with old friends. It's okay. It's natural and not a terrible thing. The people who care the most about you will make the effort and vice versa. 
• Going home every weekend makes it difficult for people to get to know you. You can do it, yes, absolutely. You can do it quite well in fact. All I'm saying is that the weekend is when you can do a lot more with people and spend a lot of time with them. If you're spending that time at home, you have to play catch up every time you come back. It's definitely possible, but it's also harder. We all detach from home at different rates, some are slower than others. I personally don't find myself needing to go home that often (I got sick first semester which caused me to come home a lot for appointments, and if anyone would like to know about it feel free to ask) but others have a very, very difficult time being away and it's heartbreaking to watch. Just know for those of you who are homebodies that it's painful but you will get through it and you will grow, a lot. Sometimes you need to endure the pain though.
• Sleep. 
• The dining hall will get old after about a week. Know of other food to eat or you'll be in trouble.
• Have a good study spot. Not a lot of people I knew actually studied in their dorms. I won't post my study spot so fellow Seahawks don't snag it, but having a routine place is comforting in a weird way. You can study anywhere on campus, go on little adventures by yourself! It's very peaceful, actually.
• Don't bring up politics or religion with someone who obviously believes the opposite. Seriously. This is coming from THE lover of all arguments. It is not worth it. Think of your motives when you start: if it's pride, the love of a fight, anger, the need to "correct" or be right, to appear intelligent--put that puppy to sleep. Jog it off, take a lap, count to ten, some deep breaths--whatever gets you zen. I went from being the person in high school who was up in arms at ANY argument to the almost silent college kid, by choice. I shouldn't be silent, I know, the point is that "only a fool says everything on his mind." Don't be a fool because you'll be publicly made one. Ignorant arrogance is a terrible thing.
• Finally: be yourself. Ya'll, this is the best part. People want to know you. People want to know your quirkiness, weirdness, everything that makes you, YOU! Don't try to "fit in" because the only way to fit in is by being an individual. Everyone can relate to weirdness, no one can relate to perfection. Do you. And while you're doing you, your path will cross with the paths of those similar to you, and thus, friendship! Be confident in your unique and radiant individuality. Every second you spend pretending to be someone else is a second you have wasted that was intended for only you to fulfill in a very important and specific way. Don't miss opportunities because of that. 

And that about sums it up for what I'd like to publicly say. I'm pretty much an open book so if anyone wanted to talk about anything or pray about the upcoming four years, please contact me. I'd love to do anything I can to add some comfort to this huge transition. Facebook, twitter, texting, email, phone calls--I'm pretty accessible! 

Call on Jesus for everything, both college related and not. If you're following Him, you will not be led astray.