A Couple of Reasons "Christianese" Nauseates Me

Let me start by saying I love the Lord. I love Him very much.
With that being said, I wanted to get a few frustrations off of my chest about some things that Christians say and do. God knows that I have fallen under these categories at some point. Additionally, I am aware that the things that I say/do make the top of the list in at least 1,000 categories of aggravation belonging to the souls of whom I have come in contact. So, humbly and light-heartedly, I'd like to share some of my comical aggravations with you.

• THE WORD "JUST"

Whilst praying, especially and almost exclusively in a public setting in which your voice is heard, I understand there is a lot of pressure on things such as the duration of your prayer, the depth of your apparent spirituality, the sweatiness of your hands as they are interlocked with someone you hardly know, and trying to figure out how to say "I hope John doesn't get in a car accident on his way to New Orleans to visit his cousin" in a highly spiritual and "prayer-appropriate" way. It seems that often, some derivative of this is what happens:

God, I just...I just want to lift up John to You right now. Lord, just be with him as he journeys to New Orleans this weekend. If You would just send Your angels down to just...love on John's car and keep him safe from danger and just help him have a good time.

If you read it in your normal speaking voice instead of in the one-octave-higher-I'm-talking-to-God voice, it's almost like bargaining with God...like I am "just" asking for this small thing, so really there shouldn't be much of an issue with making it a reality..am I right Big Guy? *wink*

• PRAYER-CHÈS

A prayer-ché can simply be defined as: a phrase or expression that is used so often in prayers, it has become cliché. Clever term, right? Made it up myself about 12 seconds ago. Here is a list of a few prayer-chés that make me wonder sometimes if people actually know what they are saying:

1. Bless this food to our bodies: I find myself praying this before I'm about to dive into some Bojangles or Cookout, so as to leave open the opportunity for a blessed miracle to take place and make my cajun filet chicken biscuit combo do something other than reek havoc on my love handles and thighs. Why do we actually say this? Who started this nonsense? Now when I don't say it when I pray before dinner with my family or friends, I feel like I'm missing a key component to my prayer, and in this obscene tragedy, my friends and family will think that I'm not a real Christian--LORD, NOOOO! I'd like to turn the dinner tables in the opposite direction, though. Dictionary.com says that "Bless" means "to request of God the bestowal of divine favor on". I challenge you to say in your next public dinner prayer, "Lord, I request that You would divinely bestow Your favor upon this slice of pizza as it is gracefully working its way through my digestive system. Thank You Jesus. Amen."
2. Just be with him/her/it/them: Come on, ya'll. He's already got that under control, I'm pretty sure. That's like you going to babysit your 5-year-old neighbor and having little Tommy's mom call you an hour after she left saying, "Hey Sarah, can you just be with Tommy?" to which you say "..no, yeah, I think that's what I'm here for, we're playing with legos right now." God is omnipresent and I don't think He ever alludes to that changing...so we probably don't need to ask for Him to "be" somewhere.
3. Do Your will in that situation:...to which God says, "k"
4. Help us to have a good rest of the day/week: I CAN'T EVEN ADDRESS THIS IT DRIVES ME SO CRAZY. I know that ending a prayer is difficult, and I say this because I can't even end a voicemail for my mom, but "help us have a good rest of the day"?? REALLY? ARE YOU EVEN TRYING. I HOPE YOUR DAY IS SIGNIFICANTLY WORSE NOW THAT YOU'VE SAID THAT.
5. Hedge of protection: I'd like to request a point of information--what is this "hedge" made of, exactly? Like...is it foliage like what I'm normally picture when I hear the word "hedge"? Because if so, I'm going to interrupt you and ask that you request from God an alternate form of protection because I don't think some leaves and twigs are going to provide much protection from my eminent distressful circumstances. What about a force field that I could activate at any moment like that girl from "The Incredibles"? Or maybe, more simply, a seven nation army? Or fire-breathing? Invisibility? The ability to give my attacker the sensation of just burning his or her neck with a wand curler? I don't know, I just think we could do a little better with our metaphorical defense mechanisms.
6. Travel safeties: It's a nice gesture, it really is. And horrible things have happened with different traveling-related accidents. But if you're honest with yourself, aren't you a little bit tired of hearing the words "travel safeties" exit your mouth during prayer? Would I be accurate in asserting that approximately every 1 in 5 prayer requests is requesting prayer for "travel safety"? Not saying it shouldn't be prayed for...but could we come up with an alternative to "God, please help Mary have a great time in Egypt next week and please give her travel safeties on her way there and on the way back. And also God, I almost forgot, please give her regular safeties, too."
7. Lord God, Father, Jesus, Daddy, Christ, etc: My personal favorite...and by favorite I of course mean least favorite. WHEN YOU ARE TALKING TO GOD, HE UNDERSTANDS THAT YOU HAVE NOT DRIFTED MID-SENTENCE TO TALK TO SOMEONE ELSE. IT IS NOT NECESSARY TO SEE HOW MANY TIMES WE CAN SAY THE LORD'S NAME IN A 60 SECOND SETTING. I'm sorry to yell at you via caps lock and a larger font, but this is an issue that burdens my soul. Talking to another human: "Hey Sandy! How are you, friend? Oh girl, I've missed you so much, sister. Sandy I have to tell you what happened last weekend, lady. Sandy Voss, you would not believe...oh girlfriend I cannot wait to tell you Sandy, seriously it's hilarious, pal." Talking to God: "Father God, I just want to thank you for this beautiful day, Lord. Jesus, I pray that you would give Tanya safe travels God...and Daddy provide a hedge of protection around Daniel, Jesus, as he embarks on his journey to math class, heavenly Father." ...that's essentially all I have to say about that.

• SOCIAL MEDIA PHOTOS AND CAPTIONS

So I'm scrolling down my Instagram feed when I see a RAD picture of a sunset. I mean, this thing is great. The colors are insane, it's likely on a beach...it's perfect, high-five to you, my iPhone photographer friend (and though these thoughts may sound sarcastic, they are not). Then, I read the caption and I see "Every time I think of you, I thank my God. ~Philippians 1:3~ #blessed #beauty #truth"

Wait..what? But this is a sunset? Now I'm a little reticent to double tap this dusk glory...do I really like it? Am I the "you" that you're thinking of? The "y" isn't capitalized, so I have to assume it isn't God. What if I "like" the picture and then you think that I think that you thank God every time you think about me? That would be really awkward...why am I thinking so much? The picture above this sunset is my neighbor's new puppy and now I feel a little guilty for smiling as if all was right and understandable in the world--how could I be so shallow?

OR I see an adorable picture of you and your boyfriend of 4 months. The caption reads: "I have found the one for whom my soul loves | <3 Song of Solomon 3:4 <3 #soblessed #mybestfriend #love #Godslove #destiny #youmakemewannarollmywindowsdownandcruise"

Again, I must pause. The first time I saw this specific verse used in a "love" context, I decided to read the book of Song of Solomon. If you've read the whole thing, you just laughed, didn't you? Spoiler alert to the Christian hopeless romantics: the book is a very intimate and personal account of Solomon's sexcapades with his wife. Perhaps one of these Song of Solomon verses, also taken out of context, might interest you for your next instagram with your soul mate:

1. "My beloved is to me a sachet of myrr that lies between my breasts." Song of Solomon 1:13
2. "Your teeth are like a flock of shorn ewes that have come up from the washing, all of which bear twins, and not one among them has lost its young." Song of Solomon 4:2
3. "Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle, that graze among the lilies." Song of Soloman 4:5

Remember friends, taking verses out of context for Pinterest canvases or Instagram captions is fun, cute, and easy...but proceed with caution! There's a chance you are treading on very foreign and unfamiliar grounds (trust me, I've made myself look like a fool enough times for everyone).

If any of these points offend anyone in any way...please consider that the chick who wrote them had the time and energy to list them all. I'm a total weenie who is also a total dummy who had a couple of observations I thought I would share. 

God bless you, my friends!