Long time no post! College has been extremely busy and makes my already seldom blogging a little bit more difficult, but a new case of insomnia has led me here!
I've been dealing with some mad anxiety since I got to college. I mean, stuff I haven't dealt with in years has been cropping up out of nowhere. I believe the worst of it is over and God has been faithful in His sovereignty and intimacy with me in my walk since I got here.
Cool story: I have never been able to take naps. I know most teenagers and college kids do, but the second I lay down to take a midday snooze, my mind immediately starts racing through all of the things I need to accomplish and I simply cannot sleep. Well, apparently this nasty, compulsive habit has expanded to my nighttime sleeping adventures as well, hence the 5AM blog post.
Church in Wilmington thus far has been amazing to say the absolute least. Port City is where I belong and it feels so good. On Sunday they sang the song "Manifesto" by City Harmonic (if you haven't heard it before, look it up right now.) and I was just so taken aback by its power. There is nothing super powerful about the lyrics, up until the bridge when the lead singer recites a goose bump-inducing rendition of the Lord's Prayer.
Being raised in a Christian home, church, and school, I am aware that the Lord's Prayer was never intended to be recited. Jesus simply uses it as a model to show us the proper way to come before the Lord in prayer. I know how strongly it has been emphasized that this prayer is not THE prayer and it has no "magic powers" over any of our prayers...but sometimes (I've found), there is just really no better way to say it than the way Jesus says it. And for me, when I am at a loss for words in prayer, I like to quote the Big Man Himself because He always has a way of saying it way better than I could ever articulate on my own.
So I decided to reread the Lord's Prayer which is found in Matthew 6. And HOW FORTUITOUS that a few verses down Jesus would tell me:
"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think He'll attend to you, take pride in you, do His best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way He works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how He works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.
Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." Matthew 6:30-34
So, here I am, in the wee hours of the morning, stressing about everything that needs to be done, when I stumble across this beaut. Matthew 6 is not the only place in the Bible where He tells me to relax, either. He makes that so clear. What I fail to understand most of the time is that when I am WORRYING there is zero room for FAITH. It's straight up sinful and it creates this playground for Satan's nasty mind games.
God, please still my anxious heart. You have never failed to provide for me as I have never failed to fall flat on my face when I decide to take matters into my own hands. Hold me closely in Your perfect and loving embrace and never let me go, though I may squirm. I love you Father.
